Next week I'll be gone

And to be honest, I'm not actually depressed about it. Sure, I'll miss the comfort. And I despise school. But the whole idea of not being here is... nothing. It's just a tiny little dot in the sea of blandness that washes over my life. I will miss, however:

• air-conditioning.
• not having to read food labels all the time.
• my pillows. All seven of them. Plus the cushion on my chair.
• my bathroom. My sink. =(
• the ability to control the temperature of my shower.
• not having to bring my laundry down.
• having a dressing table. Darn boarding house. Where am I supposed to put heated hair appliances?
• having nice curtains. They aren't what I'd have picked out, but they're alright.
• being able to go and get a drink from the kitchen whenever I want and it won't be locked.
• being able to lock my door. I like privacy, is it a crime?
• not having to label every single item of clothing I own.
• not having to store my cutlery/crockery in my bedroom so people won't use it for non-halal food.
• not having to stock food in my room because there is no Asian grocery within walking distance of where I live.
• not having to walk up a hill several times a day just to get to my room. I hate elevation.
• not having to sit in a room for 20 minutes just to let people know I haven't left the building.

I could go on but I think you get the idea. I will try to make the most of my two days in London before I serve time in Oswestry. At least half term is TWO WEEKS. But we don't get exeats this year. NO EXEATS. Which means half prep every single Friday and roll call every Saturday morning. And prep duty on Saturdays. And chapel/prep in the house every Sunday evening. Is it even worth that extra week? Not quite.

I can see a lot of studying in my future. I see absolutely no Geo Challenge. No Sims 3 although I may buy the expansion pack in Novemeber, just so I have it. For next summer. =) And next summer, I'm so going to apply to HSBC. And I'm getting my licence.

Which reminds me. I'm turning 18 in 3 months. I cannot wait. Sure, it's a SATURDAY and I have to go to SCHOOL and do nothing but waste my time and then sit in Holbache or somewhere and do nothing until everybody comes back from church but hey, I could go to Manchester or Birmingham and do something afterwards. Or Cheshire Oaks. Sigh. Shopping. =) Hmm. I like that idea. But I wanna go out. And as fun as shopping is, it isn't really... what I had in mind. Even a musical with Sul would be more exciting. I just... I want it to be different from all my other birthdays. I mean, 18 for cryin' out loud. I want to be happy. I want to be somewhere that makes me feel happy. With my best friends. Just go crazy and feel... young? Slightly irresponsible? Wild? In my perfect fantasy birthday, I'd probably go to one of my favourite stores (like Lily J or H&M, DP is alright but usually not worth it) and buy something I'd wear that night. We'd go walking around wherever and catch a quick bite in Costa's or Wasabi followed by maybe a movie or gallery or museum, unless we go to New Malden and get sushi there and go through the cute Korean minimarts. That night we'd go have dinner somewhere nice or we could go dancing. Or even sit on one of those tour buses and look out for cute guys, just for kicks. If somebody takes me to an arcade for my birthday, I will kill them. Ditto bowling. I mean, shoes that possibly thousands of other people have worn. Eww. Not on my birthday. Just... no.

Yes, I'd probably have to be in London for all this. Sigh. And it isn't the same a week later. It's a compromise. I'm better than that. I want more than the ordinary. Even going on the London Eye would be alright. Just... not something I'd do any other day with anybody. I wouldn't go to New Malden or Lily J with someone I didn't like. Seriously. So why should I do something I don't especially like with someone I don't especially care about? No offence to anybody, but it's just the way it is. I wouldn't ask to be invited to your birthday if you didn't want me there. Everybody has their best friends. I know who mine are. Some people don't. And I know what I want. Usually. I just don't always know how to get it.

The end is coming =O

I am such a pessimist. I can feel the end of summer coming. I've only been here two weeks. God. I have not done any reading. I've got like, 5 or 6 books to read. Plus the research for my coursework/s. I hate school. Really. I hate coursework. And it won't even have anything to do with the exam, which sucks. I just don't feel like doing anything. I want to veg out and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Which is difficult considering the adult supervision around aka my mother. Anyway.

I went to MS on Saturday and was super-hyper, probably from being cooped up in the house for too long. I mean, no other teenagers for almost two weeks after being surrounded by them for several months? That's like quitting smoking cold turkey. I miss the Tube. And trains. Even though they're probably really hot right now. But still. Being out and about. Sigh.

I can't watch movies because my mother thinks I'll catch H1n1. I hate swine flu. It's killing my social life. In London, nobody cares. They just go crowd everywhere. I haven't watched a movie since... 17 Again. Ohgod. That was during Easter with Jee. That was in... April? That sounds so sad. It isn't like I had a lot of time before coming back, with DoE and open days and art and stuff. What would it take to sneak out of the house? Hmmm.

I visited Baz at her work attachment place on Thursday. I start tomorrow. Ohnoooo. At the International Affairs Unit at MoE, I think. For 3 weeks. Sigh. I should've settled for 2. But no. Too late now. At least I can put this on my personal statement. Have I mentioned I reallyyy want to go to LSE? SO bad. How great would it be if I could get in? It is definitely going to be my top-choice if I get an offer next year. I am in love with LSE. I am slogging my way through Understanding International Relations. I think it's because I haven't studied any of it I have to keep looking up practically everything. But it'll be worth it. Because I love it. =)

And later, have to help Dina with her computer project. I wish life was as simple as it was in form 3. Sigh.

Minor realisation

I just realised I actually blogged once this month. Hahaha. That kind of cheers me up. Slightly. How sad is that? This is what my life iss reduced to. Although there are two sides to that argument. 1) I have more of a life therefore don't have the time or will to blog. 2) I have nothing to blog about therefore do not blog as my life is completely devoid of interesting events. Hmm.

It's been half a term. And I kinda hate my life, again. It's kind of like a relationship gone wrong, going in a vicious cycle. All the tiny little things pile up and become the source of hate that makes you question yourself. So you have second thoughts and insecurities and fits of frustration, all the while a sense of impending doom looms before you. You lose motivation and drive. It all goes, making you just want to give up. What's really worth it? If we all die in the end, what's really worth running yourself into the ground for? Other people's approval? Is that really all it boils down to in the end? I keep feeling this way. Then I distract myself with something for a while but it never lasts. How long before I break down again? How long will I keep letting myself break down like this before something gives? Because there are things I need which I'm not getting but the people around me can't provide. Dissatisfaction. There are basic things someone who reallys knows me could tell you about me but obviously certain people didn't otherwise I wouldn't be here if they did. Seriously. What am I doing here?

I'm so tired of covering everything up. The lies. The whole swallowing everything down, letting in burn in my stomach. I wish I could throw it back up, every last bit. There are some people in this world you can be absolutely honest too because they already know what you think so verbalising it all is just a formality, a confirmation. I miss having one of those people around. I feel like I'm going around lying to everyone. But to be truthful is to drag down everyone else with me and I'm not that mean. I'd just adversely affect the people around me. That isn't right. There are just some things that can't go on and who knows what'll happen when it reaches breaking point?

Online retail fix

I was online window shopping today and visited the Coach website. It gives me that fix I search for. These are two of my faves I found today:


This is so gorgeous. Perfect for summer, non? The green is fresh but not neon, between lime and pastel. Like a tint Monet would use. I love Monet. The white(off-white, maybe?) stripe breaks up the green, adding a touch of class. And the light buttery brown... Delectable. A feast for nthe eyes.

Coach. Sigh. The white is high-maintenance, I know. But that's the point. I have basically the same thing in dark blue and beige. But still. This is a newer version, great for summer.

Dead, as usual/my tribute to Shenna

Abg Apis and I, in the research park

dipping my feet in the fountain with darling Shenna

the awesome Oswestrians, guest starring Yunee and Hong Yii

let's just say everybody stopped and stared and pointed

me and Lucy with some of my gear on

I know, my last update was practically at the beginning of cyber-time when the Internet emerged from the primordial ooze. I guess I was swept away by the holidays. Not that I've been doing anything mind-blowingly awesome for most of it.

Canoeing practice expedition:

I seriously thought at certain points "I'm going to die. Yep, this is it." But I didn't. Why? Because I like being alive. Spending Easter in London was a bonus too. Hahahaha. The whole thing was great fun. I would definitely recommend doing canoeing over walking any day. You learn lots of new stuff and get to admire the view without the heavy rucksack. Although it was the most challenging upper body workout I've had. Great for the biceps and shoulders. I just hope I'll be able to do the assessment. It's scary. I can't tie a knot to save my life. Literally. How can I secure a canoe to the trailer? Aaaarrrghhhhh. Anyway.

Spent quite a bit of the hols in Surrey with Abg Apis and his mummy. Fun. Hehehe. Should've been studying. But hey, it's me. Do I really study? My lack of studying is appalling.

Shenna's birthday was the best. Hands down. Exceptional by birthday standards. And I know you loved the gifts, darling. =) I did my best, even with my goldfishness getting in the way.

Today, or yesterday, whichever. Shenna and I did our nails, put our faces on and got a trim for the big event of the evening: Sainsbury's grocery shopping. Lol. Seriously. I actually used my gold eyeliner for a change. It isn't my fave. It isn't as... subtle as the colours I usually go for. It's sparkly. I don't do sparkly on my eyelids. I do dark, natural and beige-y. But never sparkly or metallic. It isn't me. And she made me do the Texan accent thing when we got back and "studied" in my room. I tried to read about the Polish ghettoes, really I did. But studying just wasn't meant to happen. We matched Meet the Spartans and had chocolate cookies. Mmm. Good times.

If you can't tell by now, Shenna is AWESOME. I've probably used that word more than five times in this post but you get the idea. She is... the big sister I never had and probably would've fought with all the time had she really been my sister. I also would've had a sibling with stuff worth stealing. She can be sensible and still act totally crazy with me when we feel like it. She makes me feel grateful that we go to the same school. Shenna is MY darling and I am her goldfish. I never want to face school without her but I know that come September, I'll have to. It makes me sad and I've been dreading it since December. =( Life is sad.

I hoped you enjoyed the pics. They should be more interesting than anything I have to say at 3am. I need sleep.

Exploring the West Midlands

Last week was Liverpool and Manchester. This week it was Birmingham and... the fabulous Much Wenlock. Much Wenlock was awesome. I swear I am not even joking. We got to meet Carol Ann Duffy. And we sat in the freakin' FRONT ROW. You could totally see her every movement. More on that later.

First off, the trip to Birmingham. It was at the same place we had our History lectures. 3 lectures on the World's Wife. All the lecturers were women. Coincidence? Hahaha. The line at Gregg's was super long, I barely had time to do anything else during the lunch break. Besides that and messing with the vending machines with Lucy. I got rid of my 1p and 2p coins. They are annoying. Now my coin purse is much lighter. I feel liberated.

I am totally in love with the jacket I bought at M&Co. last week. It's perfect for what I intended it to be. It's a short belted black mac. A bargain by jacket standards, I assure you. I hope that's the last item of clothing I buy for a long time. I have nowhere to put everything. The "storage" bag on top of my wardrobe is getting full. I suppose at Easter certain things will be placed into permanent storage until winter. In any case, I really should not buy any more clothes.

We met Carol Ann Duffy at The Edge Creative Arts Centre in Much Wenlock. It was cosmic. She shook my hand. I felt about ready to pass out then and there. Not that I did. But I did heat up, the way I do whenever I see Plumber or Cranberry. Or it could have been the fact that I hadn't taken off my jacket. Who knows. Her hand was warm. It didn't feel awkward at all. I can totally understand who she is as a poet now. The way she read those poems, she just seemed to be those characters. Some of it was exactly the way I imagined it to be. The wit was magnified, enhanced by her voice and gestures. I totally want to go to another of her poetry readings. It was worth the sickening coach ride and sacrificing my Friday night, which I wouldn't have spent productively anyway. Plus I bought another book. The World's Wife. Although at this time my favourites are 'Warming Her Pearls' and 'Valentine'. I wish she could have read Valentine. I would understand it better and know what she meant by it.

When I got back I watched The Wedding Date with Lena. I couldn't be bothered to drag myself upstairs so I slept in her room. The extra bed in her room is mine.

Then this morning I watched a movie and talked on the phone. Usual stuff. Same stuff afterwards. Ooh, and I finally surpassed the 30,000 point limit. I have never made it before. It was an experience. It took a lot of deep breathing and stretching my stiff fingers(it was cold). The selection of music was also important. However, Sabri has a tablet and therefore the technical advantage. I'm considering getting a tablet. It took me forever to get that high score and Sabri is not taking it away from me. Never.

Anyway. Lots of work piling up. I should do it now. Sigh.

I can admit when I'm wrong

I suppose I owe this blog a post for the week. I wonder if this is how people feel when they pay alimony to their ex-spouses. I don't actually have anything much to say because... heck, I don't have much of a life but what little I do have prevents me from blogging more. Anyway.

Boy, was I wrong about 2009. So far. If I were to look back now, I would say things look like a pile of s*** drenched in kerosene about to have a lighted match thrown in. I suppose at the mo I feel bad so this is really biased. It probably isn't anything that a good dose of caffeine won't cure. I know I'm not going to grow any taller so it won't stunt growth or anything. And I just don't have tall genes. I wasn't waiting in the line where they were given liberal amounts of height like Zah, I was in the line with all the shorties.

Took a personality test this week. Apparently I am an extrovert. I don't know where the test got that idea, I'm becoming more and more antisocial by the second. All I ever do with my life now is play Geo Challenge and it's really unhealthy. I haven't done anything productive this weekend. I just feel like blanking out, really blanking out. I want to feel so out of my head that I don't feel anything. This sounds really depressing but seriously. It would be so great. I want one of those suspended punching bags and just kick it repeatedly until my foot is red and numb. Then I'd start with the other foot. I don't know how to externalise all of this and it's just getting under my skin.

Now for the concrete stuff.

Tuesday:
Art trip to Liverpool. It was so cool. Went to the Tate Liverpool and Walker Gallery. The docks are kinda neat. I mean, they had swans on the water. Ok, just two but still. Glenn Brown has the most AMAZING swirls. I don't know how he does it. I can't figure it out. It's like... ohgod. The visual experience cannot be recreated with words. His sci-fi illustration is fantastic, beyond... Speechless. When you stand in front of a painting that big and the detail and... ****. And he's alive. He must have one steady hand. I am in love with his swirls and skies. I dunno. I wish I could something even half as amazing.

Thursday:
UCAS convention. Went round with Cherry. Had all the prospectuses I wanted within 45min. It was crowded. I want to go to LSE so bad it hurts. I think it would be the most life-changing experience ever. To be surrounded by people who are truly driven and want you to challenge them and enjoy being surrounded by intellectual individuals. I'm just hoping they won't be full of themselves, a little humility is nice. And I like the idea of being in a cosmopolitan environment, the urban feel of London. Am I just being naively idealistic? I am a dreamer, such a dreamer.

Wouldn't it be nice to be confident for once? That you have a real chance of getting what you want. That the vision in your head is a possible reality. That you aren't just being a total idiot for wanting what you want. That you really can do it.

Forget it. I'm just losing it again. I think too much when I write. I guess that's why I don't write any more.

Morning bell….???

This morning, the Annex had a shock. The morning bell could actually be heard. I thought it was a bad dream. It was 7:34am. I set my alarm for 8am. I hoped to God it was just in my head. But no. It kept getting louder. I’m not sure if I placed a pillow over my head to drown out the sound. I was too groggy. I blame late phone calls with Baz.

Since I hardly ever post photos anywhere and I recently uploaded them on Facebook as well so they’re sitting on my laptop doing nothing anyway, here are some random ones.

 

Nasreen and I at Oxford

 

Syasya’s emo makeover, as done by Sya

 

Mrs Stonehill, housemistress and awesome Art teacher

 

Home. And Masjid Salambigar in the distance.

 

Since I have a life I will now proceed to watch Wanted and other random movies I have bought but not watched because I have a life. Vicious cycle.